Dear God:

Are you there? Can you hear me? Do you see me?

A whirlwind of emotions is swirling in my heart, fueled by anger and bitterness. I feel cutoff from you.

God, I know you are Lord, King of kings…. that You have absolute authority over everyone and everything. Nothing happens without your permission or direction. I need You, your guidance, direction.

Lord, I know you. You know me. I’ve seen the powerful works of your hands. Your creation is beautiful, and it has moved me.

Usually, my soul is satisfied after reading your love letters and underlining the Words that have both pierced and encouraged my heart. In the past I have held tight to your unconditional love for me.

But not today, God. Not for days, weeks, even months. I feel as if your righteous right hand has slipped from my grasp.

My heart has become hard; my load is heavy. Doubts have crept into my mind. Ongoing attacks from the god of this world are unending – this evil influencer who wants to blind me to your ways and will for my life.

God, am I in a desert? A valley? Or, are you pruning me?

Why have you been silent?

Abba Father,

My heartache is intense. Out of habit, I started to call mom the other day. Except mom is gone from this earth.

I have never felt this level of sadness before. I am sad from the time I wake up until I lay down at night. Tears wash my face often. Grief has enveloped me like a dark cloud that hides the sun.

Lord, I miss the morning phone chats and visits mom and I shared. They were always sprinkled with her unconditional love, warm smile, laughter, wisdom, advice, and encouraging words. I long for our impromptu shopping trips, lunch and dinner dates, and our vacations together. I can’t imagine the holiday season without her.

I still have my dad, but really, he’s already gone. Alzheimer’s took him from me. He doesn’t understand that mom has died. I need to make some tough decisions about his care.

Help me, Father. My load is too heavy. I am exhausted. My spirit is crushed.

Father God,

You say when I am weak, then I am strong. Well, I am weak. There’s not an ounce of strength left in me.

I received a diagnosis from the doctor that scares me. I thought I was fine, healthy. But my test results say otherwise. I am very sick. I don’t want to be sick. I don’t like being sick!

I delayed talking to you God because I am still in shock. I am aware that I have said “I” multiple times. I feel guilty. Usually, my prayers are for other people and their circumstances. But I need prayer this time. This really is about me. All me.

My diagnosis is unexpected. It feels heavy. The sun is shining outside, but I am in a dark place.

I am numb, apart from the aloneness that comes with a bad health report. My friends and family say they will walk this journey with me, but I know no one can walk it for me.

My stomach is in knots. I can’t eat, or sleep. My tears come easily. I am acutely aware of my mortality. Is this where my end begins? 

As I talk through this with you God, I can feel anger rising in me. I know it’s ugly, but I can’t help it. My family needs me. Besides, we planned our vacation for next month. I have a job. Bills to pay. People are counting on me. I go to church. I tithe. I am faithful to you. Why is this happening to me?